West Virginia daily

Please stop the drama, the press, the paparazzi. The rumors that WE are behind the are – sad to say – true. The real story, what you won't hear on Entertainment Tonight, is that we asked Nicole, our fave, to be the maid of honor at our upcoming wedding to "insert hot rock star name here," and Paris was jealous. AS IF.

A Washington State woman who was hacked off at her hairdresser over a – we can so totally relate – robbed the salon at gunpoint, asking for her $100 back. She later shot up her stylist's car and went to a new salon with the money she stole to get her bad 'do tweaked. While we don't, as a general rule, advocate gun violence, with the price of haircare these days, we can understand how she got there.

is out of the slammer and you know, his shoes haven't suffered at all, despite his time in the pokey. They were even the official shoes of the Miss USA pageant. They looked so nice on all the bimbos.

Our galpal Courtenay says that the good folks at (one of our faves) should open a vegetarian restaurant and call it No-Moo. Tee. Order the crispy oysters. They are not on the menu, just so you know.

Our continues to be a rock and roll force to be reckoned with on American Idol, even after singing the obscure but anthemic "Whippin' Post." We like him best – yes, of course we want to pluck his eyebrows before we sleep with him -- but we also think Constantine and that little Okie sorority chick are talented. And Vonzell is good, too.

is apparently engaged to our W.Va. homegirl . We are strangely happy about this very white-bread pairing. They evoke dimples, puppies, mashed potatoes. We are glad he escaped that J.Lo thing. We may have to see her new flick Monster-in-Law. It looks kinda funny.

is becoming a very good governor. We are so not surprised. He'd make a fine senator – having met a pile of those megaturds already serving. We think John McCain should make another presidential run in 2008 – there remains a lot of goodwill for him -- and we have to laugh that Howard Dean as the new DNC chair is like a pitbull with no teeth and no bark. The Democrats are still the pussy party if you ask us, and you have. Ya'll need a better gamebook, k?

named her production company BWFT (Blonde with Fake Tits), beating us to the copyright office by a mere 10 minutes. We are now naming our new company BWBA (Blonde with Big Attitude). You get OUR monster rack for free.

We went to our . The boys were grade-B cute and it was semi-fun in a Eurotrash sort of way, but we made up for our tepid enthusiasm by knocking back several of our new favorite beverages – Krug champagne and Red Bull. Bubbly and delicious. You can take the girl out of West Virginia but not the West Virginia out of the girl.

has a new record out after a four-year drought. You remember her, on the bed in the Biggie video back in the day. She's kinda like Mary J. Blige, minus all the refinement. Sometimes, music needs its raw characters. We like her a lot, just because we do. Her crap is real and she owns it.

Just when we got to be our thinnest ever – and we're not even smoking -- those big get all popular. Dammit, the gods of fashion are NOT with us this season. To make matters worse, we went to a big fancy dinner recently and some creepy redneck billionaire's hooker girlfriend had on OUR Michael Kors shoes, the ones with all of the turquoise that are on a 200-day waiting list. Harummph and then some.

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